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  • Listening to: Third degree: by Tahee Cain
  • Reading: Fanfiction
  • Watching: Team fortress SFM movies
  • Playing: Splatterhouse
  • Eating: supper
  • Drinking: beer
So I'm cancelling V vs Dredd vs Grendel. 

And now I have the perfect match to replace it, partly inspired by a good friend who engaged me recently. 

It's going to be a squad battle, between two of Batman's deadliest non-rogues gallery foes. One of the groups is very well known, the other is rather obscure, even to DC comics buffs. 

Essentially two armies are going to be fighting for control of Gotham City where Batman is dead. Both sides have a location they have to defend at opposite ends of the city. The goal is to destroy that one location held by the enemy and kill everyone inside. Do that and regardless of losses victory is yours. 

A preview of this fight will appear by around this Saturday or Sunday. So stay tuned. 

and before I go, here's some fitting music. 

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Metal Gear vamp:

 Rise of the Strigoi—Part 4

Disclaimer: I own no third party properties and nothing turns me any profit from this. Oc’s belong to my friend :iconmiyuki-chan-7: . After this should be the epilogue.

Tunguska, Russia, ten hours ago

The lone woman stepped over the dead bodies of her enemies. Clad from head to foot in black tactical gear, she wore no insignia, no dog tags and no identifying marks of any kind. Only a single word stitched across a Kevlar shoulder pauldron gave her some kind of moniker; Chell. It could have been her name, her rank in another language, even the brand name of her armor or the name of a manufacturer.

Chell wiped the white vampire’s blood off her combat knife and stuffed it into the holster. She hadn’t counted how many vampires she’d killed. She hadn’t done that in a long time. Blinking her blood red eyes and brushing a hand through her true hair, she opened the solid steel door and walked through.

The first sight that greeted her was one she’d seen many times. The skeleton of a Greek warrior in bronze armor splayed over the foot of a winding staircase. Next to the warrior was a roughly cut cube of stone. Written across it were three words in a language eons forgotten.

The words translated as: The Breeder, The Killer, and the Liar.


Transparent nictating membranes slid across Chell’s eyes and in a span too brief for a human to detect, disgust and hatred flashed across her otherwise porcelain face.

Time had no meaning as Chell went down the steps cut into the earth. Down she walked into a darkness that was more than darkness. This wasn’t just not-light, it was anti-light. Memory guided Chell down these stairs and when she finally reached the final step, a single candle opened a door into the darkness.

A hole opened into a gigantic cave system; which looked like it had been chewed into the rock. Comically, a cheap polyester curtain hung over the portal.

Chell’s heavy duty boots crunched over a floor that was covered entirely in human bones. New, old, the skulls belonged to human’s age eight to eighty.

A new stimulus was added to the darkness, sound.





Chell’s hosts smelled her before they saw her. They’d smelled her before they’d even heard her. In her turn, Chell sniffed back and wiped under her nose with the back of her hand.

Two pairs of yellow eyes opened above Chell, at least three stories high.

You answered our summons

The skin on Chell’s face shifted and crawled, looking for a moment like it was just going to melt off her skull. Wiping a bit of white drip from her eye, she reached into her tactical vest and withdrew a notepad and a pen. Impossibly fast she wrote a message for the vampire queens

I came, EVA.

Something moved in the dark, a foot came down with seismic force. A psychic voice spoke, different in tone from the first.

<Normally I would find your disrespect amusing, niece; but to see you using the language of the humans to communicate with us is almost crossing a line>

A furiously scribbled response retorted.

Don’t test me, Balalaika. Glados tried to test me.

A foot larger than a car stomped into view, several eyes and gnashing mouths growing between the warped, ill formed toes. Overhead, a vaguely humanoid head leaned over Chell. Golden eyes glowed brightly from under an iron mask twenty feet across. The mask was a perfect rendition of a human face, well maintained and free of rust.

Beams of golden light shone down on Chell.


Chell’s membrane’s snapped across her eyes. Like a light coming on, the crimson orbs had themselves become golden and were shining back at the dinosaur sized vampire queen.

Laughter rumbled across the psychic gap.

<Oh niece, you are far too high strung for your own good. How many sacrifices will you have to kill before you finally unwind? Honestly, you need to kill more often, sweet niece.>

As the two powered down their eye beams, the first voice spoke.

Niece, we have called you here because we all have a common cause; the death of Glados

I have been trying to kill my mother for years, why help me now?

Inconsistent sounds and noises slithered across the darkness as a being of thousands of pounds suddenly became weightless. EVA, or Big Mama as she sometimes went by, stepped into the dim candlelight. Of the three vampire queens, she definitely had the most accurate replica of a human face; indeed her face was covered by a patch of true skin rather than mould casing.

Big Mama eyed Chell with a motherly expression on her face, one that was not matched by the coldness in her eyes. Facial expression changed through the forming and unforming of cellular walls, rather than the pull of muscles.

Our beloved sister has crossed a line. We have always sought power and have freely taken from humanity while giving nothing back. But our sister, Glados the Deceiver seeks authority rather than power. She desires legitimacy.

She became hungrier than the two of you.

Balalaika’s body reverberated with simulated laughter.

<Very astute of you, niece. Your mother wishes to rule instead of plunder. She wants to bring the order of science to chaos. And that is something neither I nor your aunt can tolerate.>

The pen and paper stood still. One of Chell’s gloved hands clenched and the tip of a bronze colored claw peeked through the Kevlar coating. For a moment, her hair stood up like kelp in the water or snakes ready to strike. Then it was gone, the claw and all; Chell’s near human appearance was restored.

What are you going to do for me?

The paper came out again.

Big Mama took another step into the light, revealing a body that looked warped and deformed by extreme arthritis. A prolapsed vagina hung below her body and dripped an acid that ate through the skulls and bones below.

Swinging like a mast on a ship, Chell had to duck when a penis the size of an oak tree seemed to grow out of Big Mama’s body like a mushroom in time sped camera.

You will take command of our vampires and go to war. As the only born vampire of this world, you will be our daylight general. Take my beastwomen and your aunt’s chitin warriors. Kill Glados and everything she has built. Defecate on the corpses, rape their confederates and destroy all of human civilization if that’s what it takes.

Balalaika’s voice purred with near sexual satisfaction.

<Pour the gas, light the match; my dearest niece.>

Chell turned around and walked out of the chamber without word or permission. Her disgust was too great to stay any longer and this verbal masturbation had ceased to serve any purpose.

She had a war to fight and if she was going to kill her two aunts as well she would need people on her side.

New York City, MannCo Headquarters

The guard at MannCo headquarters was robotic in nature. It did not concern itself with the burning buildings just across the street or the horde of vampires who were roving the night streets, having already eaten and turned every last human being in this area.

The robot however did take notice when an unmarked military vehicle slammed through the front gate and burst it wide open.

The robot-Heavy ran clumsily out of the guard’s booth and opened fire on the military vehicle with its minigun. Bullets ricocheted off the hummer’s sided and bulletproof back window. Rudely welded panels in the sides of the car opened up and out poppet fifty calibre machine guns.


The hummer obliterated the front glass doors of the MannCo skyscraper. Machineguns thundered as the weapons on the vehicle fired a straight line of bullets across a closet security gate to the parking garage.

The line of bullet holes acted like a tear line in paper, and the hummer’s overcharged engine had no problem ripping down this barrier as well. Tires screeching, it blazed through the empty parking garage; moving all the way to the lowest level of the building.

An army of robots charged, boots thumping like a trillion type-writers all working at once. Guns from a dozen different model and make of robots fired on the truck. The vehicle stopped and the armour and bulletproof windows were torn apart.

The guns stopped and smoke filled the air. A side door opened up on the hummer, revealing an elaborate remote controlled rig designed to operate the vehicle’s guns and steering.

Suddenly, an automated armature started to extend from under the vehicle. All the robots scanned the baseball sized metal sphere held in place by clamps and wires. Without ceremony, the metal ball dropped from the hummer’s robotic arm and hit the concrete floor with an almost ceramic tinkle.

For a moment nothing happened. That was when the explosion started.

Fire and flames shot through the roof of the MannCo skyscraper and steel support beams instantly melted in the heat. The mini-nuke hollowed out the skyscraper above and also blasted a hole directly into the vampire’s underground lair.

Below ground, tunnels collapsed, vampires were crushed by falling debris and worst yet, the first levels were totally open to attack. Vampires fled like ants to try and shore up the damage and block off routes of entry with their bodies.

Through the fallen rubble and clouds of concrete dust, a gigantic saurian figure raced.

Metal Gear Ray dove straight down into gaping wound in the earth, straight into the vampire nest.

“Now, Naomi!” Liquid screamed into the headset

Somewhere over a thousand miles away, a crippled geneticist turned computer hacker inputted the final codes from the utility companies and prayed that this unscientific bullshit would work.

Water rerouted and pipes filled to capacity, bursting from around fifteen blocks and all pouring into the vampire’s nest. Fast flowing water formed strategically around every entrance and exit in the nest, blocking off the escape of not the vampire worker bees but of their Queen.

Glados towered over her frenzied minions, who were now grabbing weapons to defend their mistress to the death. All around her due to the ruptured pipes, fast flowing water was running over her ankles.

The great, all powerful vampire queen was stuck; rooted to the spot by the fast movement of hydrogen dioxide. Her minions had no such problem with the moving water, but her being the one least rooted by the rules of this world was the most vulnerable to the simple things.

Glados was trapped, unable to move, unable to be moved by her slaves. She was trapped like an animal.

She smiled.

After all, nothing is more dangerous than a cornered animal.


Gunshots and UV light illuminated the slaughter in the subway tunnels. Eren Sorrel and Regina made their way on foot with a tactical nuke in tow. An automated drone adapted from a bomb disposal robot carried the nuke and a battery of powerful UV lights. The intensity of the light was enough that the two women were guaranteed to have skin cancer if they survived.

Luckily they wouldn’t be around long enough for cancer to kill them.

Through UV resistant goggles, Eren laughed like a madwoman as a platoon of newly turned vampires ran into the deadly rays. Their eyes burst, their skin crackled like bacon and they fell face down as the reactive beams of light fried their life processes.

Whooping with glee, Eren raised her shotgun and blew off the head of the last surviving vamp.

Immediately, Regina slammed her on the shoulder. “Idiot! These are just the scouts! Save your bullets before I cut your fucking head off!”

Fighting her urge to shout back at Regina, Eren held onto the buzz that her compatriot was harshing.

Their progress felt painfully slow, as the autonomous drone crawled over rubble and debris.

Another wave of vampires came. These ones walked upright and wielded weapons. The UV light burned them as before, but in their death throes the vampires started hurling axes, clubs and even crude swords at the advancing women.

Lips pulled back and teeth bared in pure aggression, Regina raised her machinegun/chainsaw leg and opened fire. A stream of armour piercing slugs with exploding silver azide tips unmade the vampires.

The combination of the explosive silver compound with the exothermic reaction of vampire flesh and blood was spectacular. Vampires blew apart from the inside. Wads of organs, shit and blood flew everywhere. Rips and odd chunks of bone flew with such force as to get lodged in the concrete walls of the subway tunnel.

There was no way to tell the passing of time, but it wasn’t long before the women found themselves in newly built tunnels, full of rail carts loaded with raw metal ores and fully processed ammunition and armor.

A new wave of vamps attacked the women, Eren letting lose with her shotgun. She drew upon a lifetime of robbing liquor stores and playing duck hunt to smite her enemies. Depleted uranium buckshot with silver nitride coating burnt the vampires from the inside out like matches. Where she fired, only smouldering bones and ashes remained along with a chunky wet stuff that smelled like feces.

There were more than the last wave, and Eren nearly lost her head to a thrown sword. A throwing knife narrowly missed her jugular and nicked the skin on her neck. The sudden rush of adrenaline and the realization she was still alive only spurred the girl on. The smell of her blood did the same to the vamps.

A wave of fully armored vampires charged the group. Their eyes burning out, they relied on smell and crude echolocation to target their hated prey.

Eren blew off the leg of an armored vampire and then fired a blast in the gaps of its neck armor. One of them got close enough to swing its axe. The blade came down on where Regina stood a moment ago; cracking the concrete like it was ice.

Screaming a Valkyrie’s scream, Regina raised her chainsaw leg and sliced the thing from shoulder to hip. Chainsaw teeth glowed red hot as they chewed through solid steel armour and cauterized vampire flesh; thus no worms or white were able to splash on her.

The vampire warrior fell in two halves, the half with the head attacked still trying to kill Regina; but Eren finished it off with her shotgun.

Behind the women, an rocket propelled disposable drone flew through the tunnels, guided by the nuke’s quantum entanglement remote control. The drone slammed into a wall and its main chassis opened to reveal fresh ammo for the women.

Regina checked her wrist watch, “This is going to slow; I’m turning up the light” She turned to Eren and smiled so wide it hurt. “Get running, Chicca! Witness me!!!!!!”

The UV light on the drone grew bright enough that Eren could feel her skin cooking. She looked at Regina, who charged ahead in her shockingly speedy one legged gait.

Grabbing as much ammo as she could, she grinned a gallows’ grin at the grenades that Liquid had sent them. “Witness!!!!” she screamed as she ran after her ex-special forces compatriot.

The main hive

The great metal gear Ray was battered, scarred and smoking. The huge bipedal walker groaned and howled like a living monster. Vampires pulped and squashed under the feet of the mech. Jury rigged UV lights burnt approaching vampires. Large calibre chain guns blew apart vampires like bugs on a windshield. In the cockpit of the stolen Metal Gear, Liquid must have killed over a thousand vampires.

Yet after a week of unchecked infestation, this was barely making a dent in the overall numbers of the vampire hive. No matter how tough the scorpion is, the ants will eventually bring it down. But no scorpion had the mind or the will to strike down the queen. The vampire hive was one large organism, each cell an infected, converted human being. Glados was the heart of that creature. Take out the heart and bring down the beast.

Like a Mongol horseman on a suicide mission, Liquid Snake drove on Metal Gear Ray for the final confrontation. Vampires armed with rocket launchers and machineguns were becoming more common; he was getting close to the queen’s chamber.

Aiming one rocket, Liquid fired from the aft of his machine and hit a fuel reservoir. The thousand and more litre fuel tank exploded and ignited; spraying the rubble strewn structure of the hive with impromptu napalm.

Vampires rolled over and screamed as they died; the more mature armoured ones stood up as long as they could before their cooked ammo blew them apart.

Queen Glados watched through the eyes of her vampires, saw their pain and suffering; she could see in each converted vampire a still living fragment of the humans they’d once been. There was enough human in them to feel terror but not enough to do anything about it or to oppose the vampire essence she’d put in each.

The vampire queen smiled to herself as she saw it all.


Under the Queen’s Chamber


Eren and Regina stood in the crossroads of two interconnected tunnels built at the turn of the century for reasons long forgotten. Regina had fired so many bullets out of her machinegun leg that the rifling was totally gone inside the barrel. Accuracy however wasn’t a problem in the closed confines underneath New York.

Eren for her part was feeling intense agony in her hands, partly from UV burns and from firing so many shots off her gun. The girl was twitching and shaking from the adrenaline high. This was the roller coaster with no deceleration and the horror movie that kills its audience. A deep part of her was terrified that she’d live to see thirty and she desperately wanted another wave of vampires to come.

The ammo they had was the last of it they could expect no more supply drops from liquid. They were on their own now.

Another wave of vampires was coming while Regina was setting up the timer on the nuke; an activity that would take seconds—that they might not have.

A gunshot startled Eren as the legion of young, only turned tonight vampires began haphazardly unloading firearms at the duo.

Dropping to the ground, Eren covered her head as bullets sailed overhead. The vamps were aiming blind their hardly formed brains almost couldn’t understand what a trigger pull was. But again, in these close confines that wasn’t a problem.

As the last button in sequence was hit, a stray bullet struck Regina in the eye. She went down screaming and this jolted Eren into action.

Ignoring etiquette, the younger girl grabbed the machinegun leg of her partner and unloaded it on the last ditch wave of baby vamps.

Laughing at her fallen foes, Eren was yanked to her feet by a bleeding and bedraggled Regina.

“The bomb is primed!” Regina shouted, spit flying into Eren’s face, “Run, fat girl, run!”

Once more the one legged Canadian was running ahead of Eren. And like before, Eren fled; wishing secretly for that glorious death.

The Queen’s chamber

Glados smiled as Kutsavi brought her a large metal coffin on a rolling rack.

Kutsavi bowed, still in her priestess costume. “It’s ready, my lady. All reconstruction to the body is complete and cellular mechanisms are at one hundred percent.”

Good work, Kutsavi. Now just stay here until I tell you to move

Kutsavi curtsied before her mistress. “I will stay here until I am dead, oh goddess of the night.”

That’s the idea. Try to go out with a smile if you can

At this, Glados’s massive form shifted. Holding her arms out wide, moisture and slime dripped from under her armpits and the pupils on her body’s multiple eyes dilated.

On the back of Glados’s neck, the flesh of her neck was rotting away. Time was moving faster for that particular area of her body than the rest of her. Auric eyes glowed brightly and the neck flesh decayed until the spine was exposed. There, shivering with the micro currents of the air, was a pearl like object buried amidst a bundle of nerves.

The pearl began to vibrate faster and faster pulling itself up from the nerve cluster. It wasn’t heavy, it was about ninety five percent air; and it wasn’t very firmly attacked either. The nerves surrounding it split open and spewed out neural fluid.


The vampire’s pearl suddenly tore away and began to float in the air. Immediately, what until a few seconds ago had been Glados’s body started to howl like an abused dog. The shell of her body started to flail wildly, arms pin wheeling and feet stomping.

The pearl itself was unaffected by the dying movements of the body. Like a dandelion seed, it gently lowered itself into the coffin opened by Kutsavi.

The pearl hit the cold skin of the refrigerated body and began to slide along it, putting out fibrous feelers in the process. The pearl crawled over the skin and migrated towards the back of the neck. It burrowed under the skin and moved between the subcutaneous layers. When it finally reached the C4 vertebrae of the neck, the pearl melted into the spinal cord and reformed itself.

The eyes of the formerly dead body opened, pupils golden. The new body of Glados didn’t even register when Metal Gear Ray burst through the last barrier between the Queen’s chamber and the rest of the world.

Metal Gear Ray limped painfully along. Most of the machine’s ammunition was spent but it was still dangerous to the extreme.

Glados’s former body shrieked like a banshee and tried to attack it, but the onboard automated defences kicked in. The UV lights on the machine burned brilliantly, one hundred times brighter than the sun. The Queen’s chamber was suddenly flooded with more electromagnetic radiation than the surface of mars. The force of it instantly parboiled the cold water pooling in the chamber.

The noise that Glados’s body made was like the sound of metal ripping in a train crash. It grew higher and ran through several different notes until like the sound of Auschwitz or the noise of Hiroshima burning, there’s no sound similar in any way.

The monstrous body of the vampire queen fell forward, burnt to a crisp and giving off a stench that would turn you off from barbecue for life.

Liquid blinked his eyes; even through the nanotech-tinted windows of Ray, he was still half blinded from the now burnt out UV lights.

That was when an armour piercing bullet ripped through the cockpit and struck Liquid through his spine and kidneys. The breath was sucked from him as a second bullet went through his stomach.

A rocket launcher thundered and struck a weak point in Ray’s armour, the metal beast gave one final cry and fell; forever silent.

Liquid Snake fell out of the cockpit, spewing out blood and splashing in the water with a gun in his hand. The old, broken man ground his teeth with blind psychotic anger as he saw the figure walking towards him.

Glados once more had a new shell, and for her new shell she had chosen Sniper Wolf. James’s own beloved Feristeh.

“Hello, James,” said Glados through Feristeh’s vocal cords. “For the next twelve hours I will be able to walk in the sunlight and cross moving water.” She stopped for a moment and adjusted her newfound hair; one more thing she’d have limited time to enjoy. “After her death at the hands of Snake, one of my human hirelings collected her body. It wasn’t easy to repair the DNA damage after her time in the cold, or to make her dead brain fully functional again; and don’t think that I didn’t try.”

She stood over James as he raised his gun towards her head. She more or less looked like Sniper Wolf; one of the world’s deadliest sniper’s. Rather she looked like Sniper wolf had her face blown off by a sniper shot and had it put back together crudely by a drunken World War One surgeon. Feristeh’s deformed visage leered at James like it was half melted. That whisky grin just looked at him as though she wanted him to show her his package.

Glados pulled out a gun of her own and shot James once more, before he could take his shot at her.

His vision dimming, Liquid thought he was just dreaming it when a number of intercontinental ballistic missiles began to emerge from the mud of the Queen’s chamber. Overhead the ceiling began to slide open like the top of an American Football stadium. Fallen rubble and steel began to fall crushing a dozen or more rockets and knocking out their guidance systems; yet there were two dozen more where that came from.

All across New York City, missiles began to pop up out of streets and buildings. This was the fruit of Gray Mann’s labours and the ultimate proof of his genius as an engineer, a manipulator and an architect.

This day had been long in the making, and it was the first true shot fired in Glados’s war on behalf of science and order.

The vampire queen pulled a large, curved knife out of her holster. “You’re looking a bit fat, James. Let me help you lose the weight.”

A simple chop took off Liquid’s head; that severed head was then stuck into a bag and strapped into Glados’s utility belt.

Turning around, Glados walked over to Kutsavi and cut off her head as well; pulling a second bag from her pocket. The vampire queen took a deep breath, something she greatly enjoyed and definitely didn’t get to do enough of.

Breathing. It was just glorious!

Getting her mind back in the game, the vampire queen knew that the nuclear explosion was imminent. Running to the nearest functioning rocket, Glados pulled a security line from her utility belt and clipped it onto a handhold in the rocket’s outer shell.

Holding on tight, she grinned with pleasure as the rocket’s engines fired and blew out her eardrums. So glorious to be alive. So glorious to shred a living body in ways that a human never could.

Accelerating into the cool air of the night, Glados escaped her base on the back of a missile. Down below Liquid’s pocket nuke went off and killed all of her vampires. Their deaths brought her great amusement.

Before the rocket could take off into the stratosphere, Glados unclipped herself and pulled the ripcord to the parachute in her back.

The vampire queen floated free and watched in true happiness as the rockets took to the skies and she saw her first sunrise in over three thousand years.

The ballistic missiles took off and flew under the radar of all nations; courtesy of Gray Mann’s technological wizardly. The missiles hit the capital cities of over a dozen countries. Where they landed, they exploded into a cloud of weaponized, pressurized vampire essence.

In about half the missiles there was failure to infect the populace for various reasons. In some cities only one person was infected; the airborne vampire strain could only survive half an hour in the air. But in the end, three of the world’s largest economies were infected by vampirism and the capitals of five more countries taken as well.

By the first day there would be dozens in each city, hundreds by the end of the week and tens of thousands in the coming weeks. After that it was all exponents.

Liquid Snake had failed and Glados had triumphed. The war had started and she aimed to finish it.

Five minutes ago

Eren Sorrel ran even though her legs and lungs felt like they were on fire. She’d broken several toes tripping on fallen debris. Without the UV drone to light the way, all she had was a tiny flashlight to light her way. The darkness chased after her and she could barely form a coherent thought.

In this moment, she wished for the vampires. At least those she could fight; these shadows were immortal and it was only a matter of time before they crushed the light.

Out of the shadows, Eren nearly tripped over Regina. The Canadian was down, a vampire with a harpoon standing over her and about to hit her with its stinger.

Unable to shout from hoarseness, the ex-stripper put a bullet through the vampire; but not before it drove its harpoon point into Regina’s skull.

In a split second, Eren’s vision was full of Tony Soprano’s face. The fat man raised his sledgehammer over his head and stared Eren deep in the eyes.

A funny sense of peace came over her.

She felt like she was the star of a movie who’d never been handed a script. She didn’t even notice when she aimed her gun at the ex-gangster’s face. He was faster than her, even at this distance. She would die by his hand and her story would end.

So Eren was greatly surprised when a huge, spiked chariot wheel ripped Tony into a dozen pieces.

Bellowing of an animal so loud it could raise the dead deafened Eren. The girl frantically waved her flashlight around and barely avoided the spiked chariot wheels.

There was a thud and a crash as the scrap iron chariot halted. In the front of the vehicle were two giant pigs with blood red eyes and six tusks each. Each of the porcine monsters howled and screeched; promising payback to humanity for every single slice of bacon ever eaten.

That was nothing compared to the riders in the chariot. Over seven feet tall each, with ripe breasts and the heads of goats; two beastwomen howled at Eren.

Slit eyes filled with primitive, promethean rage eyes the girl was lifted up by the heavily muscled, sadistic goat women.

The beastwoman holding the reigns bleated like Satan’s pet goat and the mutant pigs charged, turning in the opposite direction. Unable to see anything, eren could just make out insect like legs scurrying through the darkness and lifting Regina off the ground.

Eren screamed as the half goat, half human woman pulled her in. Other than her breasts, the beastwoman’s body was solid muscle; dense as iron.

“Ew!” Eren gagged as she felt one of her legs rubbing up against the beastwoman’s unshaved, exposed vagina.

The hircine half human clutched Eren rib breakingly tight as the pocket nuke went off.

Unlike most Hollywood bullshit, there was no outrunning the fireball and Eren’s skin was instantly burnt off. She inhaled smoke from her own burning flesh and she saw no more.


One more fucking chapter!!! I promise, just one more. But this story is just growing. Oh god it was so good to write this. 

Metal Gear Vamp: Rise of the Strigoi-Part 4
This has definitely been an adventure. 

I really have gone places with this story I've never gone before. And I don't think I've gone far enough yet. But if you have any suggestions or criticism just let me know. 
  • Listening to: Third degree: by Tahee Cain
  • Reading: Fanfiction
  • Watching: Team fortress SFM movies
  • Playing: Splatterhouse
  • Eating: supper
  • Drinking: beer
So as I write and plan and work on projects, I'm also thinking about and reading a lot of fanmakes. For those not in the know, a fanmake is when you take an existing story and recast it with characters from other media. A bit like muppet treasure island.

But I noticed that most fanmakes are adapted usually from kids fare and are typically rated no higher than t for teen.

I want to do a fanmake that's rated r and bloody as hell. A friend of mine a while back worked on a hellsing adaptation of the little mermaid.

So recently I got the idea for hellsing: the little murmaider.

Essentially. It's the little mermaid redone in the style of the show metalocalypse. Seras is a mermaid who falls in love with prince pip. But instead of a singer, she's a swordsman who's killed hundreds in battle for her mother, Imperator Integra Hellsing, queen of the sea.

While alucard takes the role of a powerful sea necromancer who uses seras for his own ends. And instead of singing poor unfortunate souls he sings "I ejaculate fire!"

It's just a thought and I have way too much on the go but I just had to talk about this and let it out.

I'm on my phone but when I have time I'll list the songs I would put in this

And so here are some of the songs I'd put in it!!!

Alucard sings this one. He takes Ursula's place. Three thousand years ago he was the high priest of Ancient Egypt and sold his soul to Anubis to become king. Unfortunately Anubis turned him into a mindless monster who busts an 1400 degree load from his balls. His sanity is only recently restored and now he needs the blood and soul of Princess Seras to make the change permenant and finally build his thousand year empire of necromancy.

Seras sings this one. She's in her teen years and is rebelling against her mom. So for the last few years she's worked as a mercenary for the Russian mob and done hits for cocaine and male hookers; everything that a Disney princess ought to do! And she's almost ready to settle down and be a good girl until she saves Prince Pip from drowning.

This is the song that inspired it all. And it'll replace the starting song of little mermaid.

That's it so far. But again, I just really had to throw this idea out.

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Metal Gear Vamp: Rise of the Strigoi—Chapter 3
Regina and Eren Sorrel are owned by :iconmiyuki-chan-7: credit to her and please enjoy :)

New York, Upper East Side Financial district

Gray Mann was jolted awake as the semi-truck trailer halted in an underground parking garage. The ancient, predatory CEO of MannCo looked around at the fine furniture and wet bar that decorated the interior of the otherwise white, unmarked semi-truck trailer.
The gilded and opulent setting was peopled by himself, his guardian robots and the enigmatic Kutsavi Kharchenko. Definitely the vampire girl was much more intelligent and controlled than the strains of vampire that Glados had unleashed on the human world. Easily the most alarming thing about the girl was that Mann sensed that she wasn’t trying to be friendly; she merely was.
“We are here, Mr. Mann,” said Kutsavi with a smile, brushing down her skirt. “We’ve arrived at the brand new MannCo headquarters and our own Queen Glados’s new hive. On behalf of my master I would like to thank you for your generous contributions to our cause as well as building a suitable home for vampire kind.”
“What the hell took so long?” Gray demanded, “We’re in New York? Did we stop in Northern Canada?”
Kutsavi nodded and tried to reassure the man, “I assure you, your robots were awake the whole time. Besides, we needed to make a few stops; my master hates it when people are early or late. This way we’ve arrived exactly on time.”
“Good,” sneered Mann, “I hate to be delayed.”
A sense of relaxation came over Kutsavi as he guided her guest and his guardian robots towards a freight elevator. “Since construction of the hive finished twelve hours ago, things have changed quite a lot. You’ll have to take some precautions.”
“Are you threatening me?” the old man demanded. On cue, his robots leveled their silver loaded guns at the vampire woman.
Kutsavi gave an overdone anime type smile. “Not at all Mr. Mann, it’s just that our vampire hive is a dank place full of mould spores and active fungal colonies. Given that a small fever could kill you, I suggest you take my word and take every precaution.” With that, she thrust out a respirator and a pair of rubber boots. “Also it’s hella wet and I’d hate to see you ruin those fine shoes.
Kutsavi’s flashed red as Mann reluctantly took the boots and mask.
Eren Sorrell’s house, New Jersey
Eren Sorrell could only stare in shock at the reanimated crime boss she’d tried to kill this very night. Tony stood in the doorway of her home as if waiting for an invitation. He was swaying back and forth as if drunk.
He must have been a breed apart from what Jan became, as he was not only standing upright like a human but was also holding a sledgehammer and glared at Eren with something close to recognition. Right now, the undead gangster had no memories from his past life but his cold, beady eyes locked directly on the money in Eren’s pockets.
Eren began to laugh. “You want some, fat boy? You want a blowjob, you fat fucking sack of shit?” He held out her shovel like a battle ax, “Come here, bitch! Stand and deliver!”
He didn’t howl or scream like Jan did, instead, the light in his red eyes turned up like high beams. Brains were mush and neurons had no connections, but Tony’s new glands and organs were opened to full tilt and his three hundred pound carcass flew towards Eren.
The teeth in Eren’s head rattled as Tony collided with a wall, smashing through the drywall and ripping apart a wooden stud support.
Muscles in overcharge gripped the handle of the sledgehammer with berserker strength; the hickory creaked in protest.
A shovel swung through the air and hit Tony’s skull like an axe. Reflexive action in the spine drove the response; infected Tony swung his hammer in an arc at the girl.
The floorboards rippled like water where the sledgehammer hit and the lights blinked shut for a moment.
Nearly losing her balance, Eren felt the sonic boom coming off the hammer. The shovel ripped out of Tony’s skull with a pop.
He was stronger, but lacked coordination. She needed to get as many advantages as she could.
The young girl snorted with rage and spat as her shovel cleaved through Tony’s knee. Throw off balance, the bloated monster’s arms pin wheeled wildly.
The sledgehammer spun through the air at impossible speed. Instinctive reaction took over and Tony tried to walk on his shattered leg. He veered sideways and with a single hit of his hammer ripped the couch in two. A second hammer blow turned the old dresser into sawdust.
The three hundred pound vampire threw its weight down on a badly injured knee; it hardly seemed to notice as hollow, translucent bones ripped through its skin and muscle.
Tony grunted and flared its nostrils, snapping the sledgehammer in two; it thrust a two foot wooden stake through its thigh and into its lower leg. It acted as a kind of crude, very crude leg pin but it did the job.
With a lopsided run, Tony ran at Eren, who was now in the kitchen.
Shouting a battle cry worthy of Boudicca, Eren tossed a jumbo sized glass jug of canola oil at the ground before her hated enemy. She only just managed to get out of the way of the runaway meat train coming at her. She didn’t see it but some structural support in the house was demolished and half the roof came down.
The smell of natural gas hit her nose and immediately Eren took her shovel and ran her ass off.
The girl had gone far enough that the fireball that used to be her house didn’t harm her, but it seemed to be just one more middle finger from god. She didn’t even stop to wonder if her car and the money were burnt. She only knew that her burning, destroyed house was Jan’s funeral pyre.
Eren jumped as a bullet whizzed past her head close enough to disturb her hair. Behind her, a rampaging vampire with eyes on her jugular went down for good. Her eyes went from the now headless vampire to the man who’d fired the shot.
“Sweetheart!” shouted the wild haired old man with sculpted body and derpy eye. The old guy looked like sex offender/body builder Einstein and he was somehow familiar.
Standing next to the old prick was a black haired woman dressed in some kind of a fetish costume that showed off her sagging boobs and muffin top. More alarming than her middle age spread was the mechanical leg that was part machinegun and part chainsaw.
“Don’t call me sweetheart!” Eren yelled at the old geezer, “I have a name, you goofy bitch.”
The old man threw up his arms dramatically, “Well, my love you performed wonderfully. Regina and I were cleaning up this neighborhood when we saw your lovely self. No one else on this wretched street has survived! You won a genetic lottery of warrior spirit!”
There was no way that this guy was for real, when Eren suddenly remembered who he was. “Hey I know you; you own a pawnshop up in Newark. You broke Jan’s arm!”
“Well first off, you can call me Liquid Snake and secondly, if you’re talking about the dark skinned boy who tried to steal a clock from me; I let him keep that clock in exchange for three broken bones. I think that’s a good trade!”
“Well I’ll kick your crippled ass, grandpa; unless you tell me what the fuck is going on!” Eren shouted at the man, nearly at the end of her finite patience.
“Allow me to explain!” old Liquid shouted, behind him, Regina hefted up her machinegun leg and blew away a charging vampire; allowing the old man to continue his monologue. “Right now there’s a plague taking over this city and very soon the world. That plague comes from a single source; we’ll call patient zero ‘Glados’. Patient zero controls the plague, she controls the infected and she’s deliberately going out of her way to spread her contagion across all the lands and seas. As much as this bitch goddess of disease and filth considers a woman of science, Glados will follow a set of biological imperatives that she can no more escape than a spider can choose not to spin a web or an ant not to build a nest. Right now the vampire’s hive should be nearing finished construction; soon the reproductive cycle will explode and the first generation of vampires will start physically and mentally maturing. When that happens, they won’t just reproduce through scouts sent across country by shipping crate and train, but by organized hostile armies. Know anything about army ants? No? Doesn’t matter, because the vampires are not like ants; they are a fungal infection that is going to utterly consume the ant colony of humanity. And right now, Glados has a sniper’s gallery set up on human kind.”
“Hold it, hold it!” Eren yelled in disbelief. “What are you planning to do about this?”
“It’s deceptively simple,” said Liquid, “We’re going to drop a mini nuclear bomb at the heart of the vampire’s hive and set it off.”
“Uh James-ey,” said Regina, raising a protesting finger, “I wasn’t told about this.”
“I was going to tell you after we picked up the bomb in Queens,” said Liquid casually.
“A nuke!” Eren cried to herself, she then turned around and frowned. “I gotta get the fuck out of here. I need to get . . . Jan.” She froze up in mid sentence. The girl began to breathe heavily. Liquid knew the look too well.
Liquid looked at the clearly traumatized girl. She was broken mentally, but from the look of that shovel in her hands she had some martial prowess. Maybe he could use her. “Come with us,” Liquid’s jolly voice rang out. “I have a hunch deep down that you may want some revenge against these vampires.” He avoided naming the name of the boy who stole his clock. “You don’t look like a pussy and I don’t think you’re the type to break down.”
“Hold it right there,” Eren said in a cold, cold voice. She glared daggers at the wild old man who wanted to throw her back into the fire. “You’re one cunt hair right now from being sent to Brit heaven. I got no fucking reason to help you.”
“Well, I could use an extra pair of hands. And the Queen Bitch vampire isn’t just going to grab her ankles and spread it for us when we invade her home. If it’s price, I’m open to anything. I can give you money or I can give you means for revenge. Try to run and the vampires will catch you. Do you even have anything to run to?”
The girl stopped, shutting her eyes and putting her face in her hands. A thousand thoughts and a million regrets raced through her mind. She’d either wasted her life or made all the wrong choices. There was one thing in her life that she didn’t regret. But Eren Sorrel wasn’t the type to lie down and take it.
“Just give me a weapon,” she barked at the old man, holding her head high.
Liquid laughed and Regina gave a wolfish grin. It was vamp killing time.
Vampire Hive
Mann and his robots marched down a corridor, as they did, the old lecherous man couldn’t help but notice that Kutsavi was taking off her clothes.
The bald vampire woman smiled and threw her jacket off. It flew off to the side and was forgotten on the ground like a Brazzers video. When she threw her dress shirt off, Kutsavi successfully killed Gray Mann’s boner. Her chalk white skin, yellowish veins and total lack of breasts repulsed him.
The skirt and panties followed. Kutsavi had no vagina or belly button and her skin was slimy and transpartent; like the skin of some frogs. Last to go were the high heeled shoes, and good riddance.
Pipes above rumbled and teams of worker vamps furiously scampered above. Moisture was dripping from the ceiling and a fog was forming where coolant pipes chilled the ambient humidity. The temperature was rising and Mann was sweating bullets under his respirator. He felt like he was in a sauna and the mud floor threatened to suck the rubber boots off his feet.
The temperature rose steadily as the party moved down the winding hallway with concrete walls and dirt floors. Spidery worker vampires made repairs to electronics and plumbing where Gray Mann’s crews had done a shoddy job. Fully mature vampires zipped past the party too fast for human eyes to see; but the guardian robots had no problem tracking such fast moving targets.
Servant vampires brought Kutsavi a wrapped package. “We’re not much farther, Mr. Mann,” the woman assured the impatient human. One did not need a vampire’s senses to detect the Mann’s hostility or agitation. “Our Queen Glados is fully ready to meet you and show you the proper respect.”
The group was approaching another freight elevator as Kutsavi pulled a machine welded Egyptian crown from her bag. The unfinished edges of the crown cut into her flesh and spilled white ooze.
Taking out a crimson robe from the package, Kutsavi threw it over herself and hit the switch for the elevator. “I didn’t chose to become a vampire, being a vampire chose me. Because you see, Glados isn’t just a Queen, she’s a god; gods need proper respect.” A collapsible serpent headed staff next came out of the bag. Her cheerful, demonic eyes looked Mann straight in his soul. “We’re basically going to be going to Church, Mr. Mann; but don’t worry, we’ll be quick.”
One more ride down a freight elevator, this one never before used and free of dirt, grime or vampire footprints.
Soft red light from a dozen industrial forges illuminated an underground chamber the size of a small city. At a steady pace, an enormous kiln released measured pours of molten metals. The metals were transferred into smaller vessels and moved by conveyor belt to cooling mechanisms and further finishing machinery. Teams of vampires worked tirelessly alongside the forges, machines and conveyor belts.
Hydraulic presses the size of houses pumped tirelessly and vampires grabbed red hot sheets of metal with bare hands; adding the stench of burning skin to the smell of diesel fumes and mould spores. The sheer noise of it made the lone human’s teeth chatter.
Further down the line, sheets were hammered with hand tools into shapes recognizable as armor; thicker than anything that would have been practical or physically possible for a human to wear. In a line that went on forever, newly turned vampires waited to be fitted for armour. Mature servant vampires took rivet guns and directly bolted fully cooled and tempered armor plates onto the bodies of the newborn strigoi.
As Mann took in the entire industrial spectacle to heart and wondered about way to increase the efficiency and turn this activity towards his own benefit, Kutsavi left him and his bots to walk towards the largest, hottest forge.
For the first time, Kutsavi wore a smile that seemed sincere. Popping two fingers in her mouth, she blew a single ear splitting whistle.
At this, a powerful floodlight activated. Mann’s eye instinctively went up to the circle of light in the dark, smoke choked chamber. Strapped across reinforced steel girders was a banner with red letters.
“Let us build our million year empire, for science,” Gray Mann read the banner out loud.
By the forge light, Kutsavi spat out her false teeth and grinned through gums packed with razor sharp needles.
Every single vampire in the hive stopped and stared straight at Kutsavi and her serpent’s cane. The thundering machines stopped, the hydraulic presses screeched to a halt, the forge fires dimmed low to conserve fuel. Through the rapidly dying light, Kutsavi held her staff high and put out her most radiant smile.
Arms held wide, she almost looked as though tears would come to her red, watery eyes.
Mann felt the breeze and saw nothing. He heard the sound of his robots clattering to pieces before he ever saw it. He spun around and saw his guardian droids fall to pieces. But they hadn’t been destroyed; his robots had been taken apart methodically to the last screw.
Mann felt the breeze again and then felt the vibrations of three and a half thousand pounds of flesh, muscle and bone hitting the ground before him. The frail human flew backward and tried to see through the fogging lenses of his respirator.
The voice he heard was in his mind, rather than in his ears.

Welcome to my home, you have done an almost, nearly adequate job

The human’s eyes widened as he took in the almost fifteen foot tall figure before him. “I have fulfilled all your demands, my lady. I gave my wealth and intellect to your cause.”
An iron spear as long as a telephone pole slammed close to Mann’s hand causing the man to flinch.
You wound me with your lies and hurt my feelings. But I forgive you, you monster
“You promised!” shouted Mann, accidentally making eye contact with several of the giant eyeballs growing out of Glados’s torso. Five eyes of different colors blinked out of time with each other and swiveled around independently.
Straining his old eyes, Mann could start to make out more of Glados’s form. She was human in that she had a head, trunk, legs and arms but there was no way she could ever pass for human in any capacity. Great size aside, Glados’s skin was closer to a thick mattress of slime mould than true skin. Under the mould skin was a layer of rippling steel muscle that occasionally ripped open her outer covering.

No I did not promise. You filled out the necessary paperwork and I will have to carefully review whether I will save your life or not.

“You still need me!” Mann shouted defiantly, ripping off the breather mask. “In the next twelve hours and five days you will either succeed or fail on my technological breakthroughs. You love science so much; well my science will win you your war!”
The giant, naked figure shifted. From out of fungal filaments that looked like hair, a single golden eye peeked. It narrowed and grew in brightness until a thin beam fall on the prone human’s face.
Energy went from one being to the other. Water started to flow uphill, light became a wave but not a particle and gravity became more powerful than magnetism in one limited area of space. All around Glados the laws of physics were reversing.
Gray Mann looked down at his hands and saw them the hands of a young man. The aches and pains went away and his old appetites were starting to return. Unable to contain himself, the twisted man started to laugh.
Then with a single stroke of her spear, Glados ripped Mann’s lower jaw off.
The human jawbone flew through the air, leaking red blood and a watery, thin version of the vampire’s white liquid. Mann screamed in pain, gargling and gurgling through bodily fluids.
We have the highest standards of science and research and testing, as rigorous as it has been needs to continue. We must keep testing
Spewing blood and vomit, Mann looked up at his new Queen. From her great height, Glados flashed Mann a broken approximation of a smile that should never have seen the light of day.

For now, you need to take a break from your hard work and build up your strength. I still need you.

The giantess glanced to the side, rips forming and regenerating in her skin-covering. A golden glow fell upon a handful of vampires. Their bodies were torn apart as the weak and strong atomic forces holding their bodies together just switched off.
Instantly, Gray Mann, young and suddenly full of hunger fell upon the liquefied vampires and began to suck up the unidentifiable plasm off the muddy ground. The now dead vamps were starting to congeal, like cooling wax; so Gray made sure to drink the slimy snotty mix extra fast.

There, eat up; you moron.

An abandoned warehouse, Brooklyn
“Ammo! Rocket launchers! BOMBZ! You want it?” shouted the short, fat gun dealer whose sweaty, soaked pits could be smelled from hundreds of feet away. “It’s yours, Liquid; as long as you have enough rupees.”
Eren Sorrell could only stare in mute shock at the weapons dealer who was bouncing from weapons display to weapons display as if dodging bullets that only he could detect.
“Then I want the nuke!” shouted Liquid over Regina’s concerns. “I want not only the mini nuke you stole from The Sons of the Patriots but I want the missile delivery system and the quantum entanglement targeting system! Hand it over, Morshu!”
At this, the gun dealer Morshu frowned and adjusted his goofy green hat. “Worry Liquid, but I know you don’t have the money to afford that. Come back when you’re a little MMMMMM, richer.”
At this, Liquid reached into his pockets and held out two gold bars. As the aging Snake son began to haggle and argue with the gun dealer, Eren made idle chatter with Regina.
“So what’s with that outfit?” Eren asked.
Regina looked herself over with immense pride, “I bought this thing off of James’s old girlfriend back when she was still alive.” She twirled around to show off the jacket’s plunging neckline that highlighted her sagging boobies; she also revealed that the outfit had shrunk in the wash and showed off her love handles nicely. “I’m pretty glad I rock this outfit, it’s super flexible in a fight.” Regina turned around and began to flex her ass through the skin tight pants; causing Eren to wince. “All the women in my family look like Ursula from The little mermaid after twenty so I’m doing awesome.”
“So how’d you lose the leg?” Eren asked, eager to take the subject off of  the about to burst seams of Regina’s pants.
“Well back in the nineties I was with a Canadian special forces unit called Total Pasta. We went in after Liquid lost his shit and did a bunch of shit with his brother Solid Snake. Under the code name, Sargent Bitchface, I went in with my unit and was the only survivor after Revolver Ocelot ambushed us. Son of a bitch took my leg so I fashioned a new one with the shit in Liquid’s tool shed.” She gave an evil grin, “And then I tracked down that old son of a bitch and cut off his nuts.”  She smirked and rubbed her mechanical leg, “Then a little later James cut off Ocelot’s dick and choked him to death with it and that’s how we became friends.”
Eren nodded, realizing that she and Regina could probably be pretty good friends and possibly sometimes lesbian partners depending on how much she’d had to drink.
The shouting by Liquid took the women away from their conversation.
“If you give me the nuke, I will give you one million dollars in gold and I will have my friend Naomi remove you from the sex offender registry.”
This seemed to catch Morshu’s attention, “It’s yours, my friend,” he abruptly changed his song.
A few minutes later, the three badass vampire killers were riding in Eren’s car, tooling down the left side of the road at seventy miles an hour in a thirty zone. There were plenty of deserted cars on the street but no police cars and no civilians. Eren drove like she the steering wheel owed her money, throwing herself into the thrill of speed and the rush of anticipation for the oncoming fight. She still wore her overcoat and stripper’s undies; the only difference now was that she’d traded her heels for a pair of sneakers.
Old Liquid hung out the passenger window like a dog, his snarled white hair flying around like snakes on LSD. In the back, Regina sat on Eren’s giant pile of money, feeling like Scrooge McDuck.
As the team of vampire killers went forth to certain doom, Regina shouted the plan to Eren over open car windows. “Okay! Liquid goes into the heart of the hive and plants the nuke. You and me, we’re the bait and the cover! Expect this shit to be endless waves of already fully grown vampires with half grown vampires as meat shields. Odds of survival are nearly null, so don’t fucking pussy out on me now.”
Eren nodded noncommittally to Regina, the high of the adrenaline rush wearing off. She’d need another batch of danger and threat of rape to get her heart pumping. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Regina tapped her on the shoulder.
“What the fuck is that?” Eren shouted while Liquid turned up the radio as loud as it would go.
Regina was holding up a curved piece of Kevlar, padded with rubber straps on it. “This is a spare pussy protector I have. In a firefight, you want to protect your pussy at all costs. If you get paralyzed you get orgasms from your cervix and if you lose your eyes your other senses sharpen; but you only get one clit in this life, so keep it safe.”
Eren absentmindedly took the pussy protector, hoping that it wasn’t used.
When Regina tapped her again.
“Hey, thanks for doing this. I can’t thank you enough. And I’ve lost people, so whatever you’re feeling, ball it all up and focus it like a laser. I love you, Eren, and Liquid loves you like only combat partners can.
Love. The word made Eren physically sick. It meant weakness and vulnerability to her. It meant betrayal. But the California girl and ex-stripper was no stranger to driving her emotions into useful places. She fully expected to die tonight, and before she did, she was going to make sure that hell was filled to capacity.

And next time, Liquid and the gang assault the vampire hive and guess what, we get to meet the other two vampire queens who live in the shadows and have a secret vendetta with Glados!
I hope you all enjoyed this! One more chapter after this.
Metal Gear Vamp: Rise of the Strigoi-Part 3
Here's the third part of this little adventure.

It's actually been a hell of a challenge and a great thrill to write.

Next chapter will be the last one, and hopefully the best :)

Duck Soup: Extra spicy

Disclaimer: I own no third party properties and make no profit from this. This short story borrows heavily from an episode of Beavis and Butthead, so enjoy!

And yeah I crossed over Hellsing and DuckTales. Enjoy it or don't.

Three duck triplets lounged around a grungy, dilapidated apartment in a neighbourhood of North London. The room stank of alcohol, cannabis and mountain dew. Piles of half completed college homework lay about, the answers correct but the writing so sloppy that the professor would need to bring experts from Washington DC to translate.

Huey, Dewey and Louie lollygagged about their apartment, pissing away the time with idiotic iPhone games and openly gendering at the latest bootlegged porno mags bought off a shady Pakistani guy down the street.

"Man," said Huey, "I'm bored."

"Weed delivery from Steve comes in a couple of hours," said Dewey.

"That's not fast enough," buzzed a bored Louie, not looking up from his copy of Duck tits!

"Well we gotta do something to kill the time," Huey complained, throwing his IPhone onto a bedbug infested mattress. "Assignment's not due until Monday and none of the girls I seduced called me back."

Thumbing through his porno mag, Louie shot a sideways glance at his brother. "That's because women are disgusted by you Huey. They pretend they're interested so you'll fuck off."

"Yeah, well you're a goose!" Huey shouted at his brother.

"I'll kick your ass!" Louie shouted. And the two brothers started to go at it like starving dogs fighting over meat. The feathers went flying as the two brothers went at it; avoiding the second hand video gaming system and trashing the shit out of their textbooks from Oxford University. Dewey joined the fight just to kill time and the trio started to go nuts.

A knock on the door stopped the fight before serious damage could be done. Like nothing had ever happened, the ducks three split apart and looked at one another trying to decide who would get the door.

Manning up, Dewey decided to get the door. Opening up he saw a fifty year old lady from Portugal. "Hey there Mrs . . . . uh," he paused awkwardly before shouting with artificial happiness, "Mrs. Landlord's wife! How goes it?"

The older woman glared at the college duck before shoving a phone book into his hands with no explanation. She then took the liberty of slamming the door shut for the duck.

"Thanks," quacked Dewey. He looked down at the book in his arms, "Do they still have phone books? This looks new."

"Hey!" said Louie, "Let's call someone!" Two quacks of agreement greeted him and like kids at Christmas the brothers eagerly began to choose a name from the book.

Eventually they settled on a number by picking a name that sounded vaguely funny.

Some guy named Blenner or something.

Hellsing Headquarters

Alucard lazed about his cellar in a moth eaten comfy chair. His throne was packed off to the side for special occasions; because that thing was uncomfortable as hell.

Currently the ancient vampire master was watching episodes of Ren and Stimpy on an ancient old TV set that he'd taken from someone's house during a mission which saw no human survivors. The bastards were dead and it wasn't like Alucard just had money for a brand new plasma screen.

Ring Ring!

Mumbling to himself, Alucard grabbed the receiver and put it to his ear. "Hello," he rumbled.

On the other end of the line, he heard the sound of ducks quacking with laughter. The vampire king frowned and pulled away from the receiver. The buzzing, cackling noise of ducks sounded a great deal like a kazoo orchestra.

Without saying a word, Alucard hung up the phone and resumed his show.

The boy's house

"That' was great!" said Louie.

"Yeah!" agreed Huey, "Let's call that guy again!"

"But let's say something this time!" Dewey interjected.

Hellsing Headquarters, Two minutes later

Alucard glanced over at the ringing phone next to his chair. In no great hurry, he picked up the receiver and greeted, "Hello."

The duck kazoo orchestra greeted his ear, buzzing and extremely annoying. One of the ducks on the line quacked at him, "you suck!" and hung up the phone.

A little bit irritated, Alucard hung up the phone and went back to his show. He grumbled a bit to himself and turned up the volume on his TV. Normally he wouldn't have picked up the phone a second time but he was expecting a call from the public library about a copy of The Matrix he'd put on hold.

Hellsing headquarters, Ten Seconds later

Ring Ring!

Alucard picked up the phone, lip curling up in anger. "Hello!' he growled.

"You gobble knobs!" quacked the duck.

Equal parts confusion and anger hit Alucard, "Who the hell is this? Is this some kind of a joke?"

The duck laughter went on without response and the phone hung up.

It would not be the last time.

Hellsing Headquarters, Two weeks later

Ring Ring!

The phone woke Alucard up from his sleep of the damned.

"What?!" the bleary eyed vampire shouted out and brushed the crusted, empty blood bags off of him before grabbing the dreaded receiver of his old rotary phone. "Hello?" he said as if this were the first time he was getting this call from this number.

He heard the sound of a toilet flushing followed by . . . you guessed it!




"YOU!" Alucard screamed, throwing the phone across the room.

Hellsing Headquarters, One Month later

Alucard sat up in his chair, just staring at the phone. "Let it be the Matrix. Let it be the Matrix," he muttered, one eye twitching. "The hold must have arrived by now."

Ring Ring!

"Hello!" he jumped at the phone with desperation.

And then . . .

Somebody on the other end of the line farted on the receiver. And three ducks began laughing.

A deep, subsonic rumbling started in Alucard's sternum. It rose up into his bellows and crashed past his throat. The master vampire let out an incoherent, psychotic growl of pure hatred. His eyes bulged; face tightened and for the most part looked like he was trying to shit out the Chrysler building.

The receiver of the phone was crushed in his hand like a human tibia.

Foaming like a rabid dog, Alucard looked through red vision at the caller ID he'd bought just for this very reason.

Unhinged laughter pealed out of him as his whole body trembled. Red LD lights read back to him the phone number of the people who'd called him. "Now" he hissed, "Somebody's going to die!"

The boy's place, two days later

The flat of the three duck boys looked even worse than usual. Furniture was smashed, the fridge had been wide open for hours but at least all the homework was done and projects were finished.

Louie lay face down naked, unconscious with a blow up sex doll. Huey angrily played angry birds next to the destroyed gaming system and the giant pile of yet unsmoked cannabis. Louie had gone out for Vindaloo half an hour ago but was nowhere to be seen. Hence it was up to Huey to answer the ringing house phone that they'd stolen from the props department of the Oxford Drama class.

"Hello?" said a red eyed, high as a kite Huey.

"Why hello, duck friend," said a musical, baritone voice on the other end. "You've won a free pizza."

"A pizza?" said Huey, "Oh man that's awesome! I could kiss you if my beak wouldn't knock out your teeth."

The pizza guy chuckled, "Don't fret one bit, my friend. Now if I could get your address."

Huey nodded and smiled enthusiastically, "Yeah, I live at . . ."

Silence hung in the air as thick as the marijuana smoke.

Eventually the man on the phone spoke in disbelief, "You don't know your own address?"

Huey gagged on his own embarrassment and thought frantically of where the heck he and his brothers lived. "No, no; I know my address." Sadly his weed addled mind couldn't even remember the address of the local fast food places; let alone his own house. He had the munchies so bad; maybe he could send the pizza to some other place and have it forwarded to him.

"Uh, I live at 10001 Goldstone Avenue, Duckberg, New York."

"I see, that's a bit out of my range but I'll make due."

"Yeah that's good," slurred Huey, "And hurry the pizza, I'll give you a tip if you show up fast."

The man on the other end chuckled in a most evil fashion, "Oh I'll give you a 'tip' when I get there."

Hellsing Headquarters, two seconds later

Alucard was already booking the flight on his old, blood splattered laptop. Over his shoulder he called out orders to Seras Victoria. "Police Girl, I'm taking a flight to America. I should be back by morning after I've mixed up some fools. I can't kill anyone but they'll be feeling what I've got to hand out."

When he got no reply, he turned around and saw Seras browsing the internet on her phone. "And don't use all the damn data on your phone! I'm expecting a call and the library is going to forward my calls to your phone, understand?"

Seras nodded, "Of course master, I'll keep my ears open," and then she went right back to the website she'd been looking at. The second that Alucard was out the door she gasped, "Oh my god, Rockhardyaoi21 updated a fic!"

Duckberg, Scrooge McDuck's house, 10800 seconds later

The home of the world's richest Duck was a sight to behold. It was a mix of immense opulence and inhuman cheapness. Solid gold toilets and sinks coexisted with crumbling drywall, hand carved oak paneling, particle board facades held together by glue and the grace of god as well as electronics straight out of the nineteen seventies.

While the fine furniture had been paid for in pure gold, the furniture in the side rooms and servants quarters was all either bought at the Salvation Army reject aisle or fell off the back of trucks.

In one such side room, Donald Duck and Launchpad McQuack were guarding Scrooge's Viagra supply. At first the two very different ducks passed the time wondering whether old Scrooge actually needed three hundred kilos of the happy pill or if he cheap old grease ball bought it in bulk to save money.

That had gotten old eventually and the two decided to pass the time by playing board games. For the most part Launchpad couldn't understand a single word that Donald said, especially when he lost a game and freaked out. Still, despite his short temper Donald seemed like a really nice guy and did his best to teach Launchpad new games and puzzles.

It was at that moment that Launchpad's luck held out. "Yahtzee!" shouted the pilot duck happily. He wasn't trying to rub it in Donald's face, he was just so happy.

Donald began to curse out Launchpad before calming down and asking in a barely understandable voice, "Want to try another round?"


The door of the Viagra room was kicked off its hinges by a certain shithouse crazy vampire.

"Oh shit!" Launchpad yelped in terror as Alucard swooped across the room and grabbed him by the front of his pilot's jacket.

Alucard snarled at the duck with the Bruce Campbell chin. Foam leaked out of the corners of his mouth and his entire frame trembled with rage. "You little whoretaker, was it you? Was it!"

Donald was running for the exit and Launchpad was trying not to piss himself. "I-I-I didn't do anything," he pleaded with the permanently insane vampire.

The No-Life king growled and wrapped his hand into a fist. Launchpad cried out and tried to brace himself for a devastating punch to the grill.

"Ach, Curse me kilts! You lads are makin' more noise than an army o' bagpipers!" The world's richest duck walked into the room with his trademark cane and top hat . . . and an old boxy nineties style cellular phone.

Now Alucard did not give one whit whether this was the world's richest duck or Jor'El of Krypton; all he cared about was the fact that scrooge was a duck and that he was holding a phone.

Throwing Launchpad at Donald and kicking over the game table, Alucard pointed a trembling finger at the elder duck. "YOU! It's you! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Naturally, where most would have run like hell, Scrooge chose to stand and fight. He brandished his cane at Alucard like a sword, "Better people than you have tried, ya maraudin' mutant!"

What Scrooge had in fighting spirit, he definitely lacked in good sense, self-preservation and logic. There was no way that this was going to end well for him in any universe. The seven foot tall, three hundred pound immortal collided with the three and a half foot tall forty-pound-after-thanksgiving-dinner duck.

Momentum took the two very different non-humans through a wall, blasting subpar drywall dust and poorly installed wall studs into oblivion. Scrooge gasped for breath and choked on free floating asbestos filled drywall dust. He barely got a gasp in before a white gloved hand wrapped around his throat and began to shake him like a rag doll.

Howling like a genuinely broken man, Alucard tossed Scrooge through another wall. A single leap took him towards the downed duck. Picking up the discarded but still serviceable cane, he began to beat Scrooge with it.




Somewhere around the region of Scrooge's head, the cane broke in half and Alucard contemptuously tossed the broken piece of wood away.

Muttering gibberish, Uncle Scrooge was in the worst shape he'd been for some years; and it wasn't over yet. Without even a pause, Alucard lifted Scrooge McDuck up and rammed his head into one of the golden toilets.

The world's richest duck gurgled and bubbled in the bowl as Alucard scowled so hard his face might split in half. "You like how that sounds, Daffy duck!?" he shouted as loud as he could before performing a swirly on Scrooge. "HOW DOES THAT SOUND?"

For a second, he pulled the half drowned duck out of the toilet before shoving his head back into the shit water. "Listen carefully, duck man!" Alucard shouted, flushing the toilet once more, "If you ever call me again, I swear to Christ that I'll kill you and hang you in the window of a Chinese butcher shop!"

He yanked Scrooge's head out of the water once more. The elder duck gagged, spat up water and gasped. Half dead and nearly drowned, Scrooge tried to threaten Alucard. "I'll kill ye, ye son of a bitch!"

Alucard ground his teeth at the duck's defiance before getting an idea. Reaching down, he grabbed Scrooge by the tail and grabbed his cellular phone off the ground. "Well maybe if I shove my phone in this place, you'll stop calling me!"

"What're ye—AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Scrooge cried out in pain and Alucard forcefully and violently shoved the bulky, nineties era cell phone up Scrooge's anus.

Donald and Launchpad scattered like roached when Alucard stomped back into the foyer of McDuck Mansion. Casting his gaze around, the angry vampire found no satisfaction in Scrooge's humiliation and butt-violation with a cell phone. Only getting his copy of The Matrix would sooth his raging fury.

But for now he'd take his anger out on Scrooge's liquor cabinet. The whole thing was a lovely affair, filled with rare and hand crafted Scotch and Irish whiskies totalling in the hundreds of thousands of dollars for the whole cabinet. Alucard tipped the whole thing forward and smashed every single bottle. To make sure everything was smashed; he grabbed a morning star from a nearby antique suit of armour and busted everything.

Then as he walked out, he threw a cigarette lighter over his shoulder and ignited more than a dozen broken bottles of hard and highly flammable liquor. The liquor fire spread rapidly to the carpet and then the curtains.

Then just to be an asshole, he pulled a can of spray paint out of his long Victorian duster and spray painted a penis on the side of Scrooge's limo.

London, the Boy's residence, I lost track of time

Huey, Dewey and Louie had mostly sobered up and were fact checking each other's homework assignments.

"So a guy called telling us that we had a free pizza and you gave him Uncle Scrooge's address?" Louie asked Huey incredulously.

"And you couldn't remember our address?" asked an incredulous Dewey.

"Hey," Huey "I was sure he was legit; besides, everyone forgets their address sometimes."

"Well it doesn't matter," quacked Dewey, "It was probably a prank. Speaking of which, let's prank call that asshole again before we go to class."

His brothers quacked and laughed in agreement, while on the TV, BBC news was covering a story where Scrooge McDuck claimed to have been attacked by a white, zombie NBA player and was offering a reward for anyone who had information about this mysterious red clad attacker.


Sister Yumie approached Bishop Enrico Maxwell. The shy nun assassin bowed before the head of the Iscariot order and voiced her concerns, "Bishop Maxwell, I'm worried about Father Anderson."

Maxwell glared at the shy half of the split personality killer nun, "Is that it? Did you come to say anything else or are we finished here?"

Yumie bit her lip, something had to be said. "Well Bishop, since Anderson came back from the Caribbean he's been acting out of character. Even Heinkel and Yumiko are afraid of him."

Maxwell lounged back in his bishop's chair and rolled his eyes. "Oh just because a cannonball took off Anderson's head doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with him. His head grew back just like an arm."

"But he's not the same," protested Yumie, "He's different in every way. Look out the window."

Annoyed, Maxwell got his ass off his cushiony chair and looked out the window. There Father Alexander Anderson had abandoned his priest's garb and was dressed like a pirate; complete with cutlass and flintlocks. Currently the Father Anderson was singing a metal song to the orphans, with Deadpool on the Electric guitar and Ironman on the drums.

We live each day like there's nothing to lose,

But a man has needs and that need is booze.

They say all the best things in life are free

So give all your beer and your rum to me.

The orphans headbanged to the song and did devil horns with their fingers like Ronnie James Dio.

We are here to drink your beer

And steal your rum at the point of a gun

Your alcohol to us will fall

'Cause we are here to drink your beer!

Then realizing that Maxwell was watching him sing, Anderson looked up with a smile that was more insane than usual and gave Maxwell the middle finger.

Having seen enough, Maxwell handwaved off Yumie's concerns, "Oh Father Anderson is just fine. He just needs to decompress after being around heathens, pirates and voodoo priests for so long." He then sat back down and reached into his wallet, pulling out a black plastic card. "Take my credit card, sister. Go downtown to the liquor store and buy all the Captain Morgan. Bring it all back and give it to Father Anderson before supper; then maybe he won't burn down coastal cities."

Total plot bunny was this, but so much fun. Song is owned by the band Alestorm, check it out

Next up is my gift story Metal Gear Vamp and then . . . the BIG HELLSING RETURNS!

Duck Soup: Extra Spicy
So this was a total plot bunny. It was inspired by this episode of Beavis and Butthead. Enjoy.…

So basically I turned Alucard into Harry Sachz
  • Listening to: Third degree: by Tahee Cain
  • Reading: Fanfiction
  • Watching: Team fortress SFM movies
  • Playing: Splatterhouse
  • Eating: supper
  • Drinking: beer
So I'm cancelling V vs Dredd vs Grendel. 

And now I have the perfect match to replace it, partly inspired by a good friend who engaged me recently. 

It's going to be a squad battle, between two of Batman's deadliest non-rogues gallery foes. One of the groups is very well known, the other is rather obscure, even to DC comics buffs. 

Essentially two armies are going to be fighting for control of Gotham City where Batman is dead. Both sides have a location they have to defend at opposite ends of the city. The goal is to destroy that one location held by the enemy and kill everyone inside. Do that and regardless of losses victory is yours. 

A preview of this fight will appear by around this Saturday or Sunday. So stay tuned. 

and before I go, here's some fitting music. 


Master-of-the-Boot's Profile Picture
just call me George
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
Current Residence: British Columbia
Print preference: The Pen
Favourite genre of music: Heavy Metal
Favourite photographer: N/A
Favourite style of art: fan art and HR Geiger
Operating System: dunno
Favourite cartoon character: Tintin
Personal Quote: Andrew Breitbart likes to fuck children to death with cacti while fantasising about fisting his mother in the ass. Just throwing that out there.

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ManAlmostWithoutFear Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Hey! It's been a while. (In case you don't know, this is TheSaiyanAssassin.)
Master-of-the-Boot Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Good god it's been a while.

A lot has happened. My personal life was a roller coaster and I sort of cut myself off from the DB community after all the drama and all the bullshit that went down.

What about you, how are you doing?
ManAlmostWithoutFear Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I'm doing alright. The same happened to me, personal life and DB status plummeted. But recently, I got back on my feet. I've made a few new friends both in and out of DA, and Death Battle wise I've started over. As of now, I have two new DB's out with a third and fourth currently being worked on.
The-Darkwolf Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2015
Thanks for the fave and the watch! :thanks:
Master-of-the-Boot Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Any time :) and I do love your work
The-Darkwolf Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015
:) :thanks:
TheKerwinator Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  New Deviant Professional Writer
Hey, wow. Thanks for the Added to my devWatch! ! Off to check out your gallery now. I salute you! 
Master-of-the-Boot Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
From what I saw of your work, it wasn't exactly light reading but what I did read was very rewarding. And it's so different from what I write, that it was a beautiful challenge. I like to read things that challenge me.
TheKerwinator Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2015  New Deviant Professional Writer
That's what I thought of yours. Cheers, to good writing and challenges mate. :beer:
YoungSamurai18 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
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