The Big Hellsing

                                                       Starring:
                                Integra Fairbrooke Wingates Hellsing
                                                   Seras Victoria
                                                       Bella Swan
                                                    Jasper Cullen

“I don’t mean to sound rude Sir Integra”, began the fledgling vampire Seras Victoria, “But I’m a bit foggy about this whole affair”.  
Integra, the master of Seras master attempted to clarify for Seras, “Well Seras, there’s really nothing overly complex about this.  Someone stole money which belonged to the Hellsing Organization and we are going out to return it”.
Seras looked to Integra, “I know what we’re doing, Sir Integra, but I’m still not clear how all of this started”.  
Integra began to explain as she peered into the rental car’s rear view mirror, “Well Seras, you are aware that our organization uses up large amounts of silver during the course of defending Britain from Vampires”?
“Yes, I’d never given it much pause though”.
Integra chewed on her cigar and picked up speed in the vehicle, “Well Seras, since I assumed the mantle of Hellsing director, her Majesty has made several cuts to the monarchy’s support of the Hellsing Organization.  I believe it is her way of reminding me to settle down and produce an heir”.
“I see”, affirmed Seras.
“You see, Seras, since the monarchy greatly reduced the Hellsing Organization’s supply of blessed silver ammunition, we have been forced to turn to other sources in order to acquire the silver we need”.
“You mentioned something that happened in Italy”?
“In a moment Police Girl, in a moment”, Integra continued with her story, “Most of our silver comes from the Mafia.  Specifically, we receive large volumes of silver from a branch of the Soprano family in Rome.  Normally, large amounts of money and silver change hands right under the nose of the Vatican.  However, this time there was an error.  The transaction was ambushed by unknown assailants who were apparently human.  Their exact identity or who employed them is currently unknown.  The money to pay for the silver was being stored some distance away from the actual transaction in a rather flashy yellow Porsche.  Through diligent searching, the vehicle was eventually found in the cit of Volterra sans the actual money”.  
Seras stood wide eyed in the wake of Integra’s fantastic tale, “Wow, so how did you trace the money to the town of F-f-f.  Sorry, what was the town called again”?
“Forks, Police Girl, that’s the name of the town.  But to answer your question, we found a valuable piece of evidence in the stolen vehicle.  We found a piece of homework belonging to one Isabella Swan.  This was the beginning; we were finally able to narrow the search through a great deal of trial and error with the aid of MI6”.  Integra turned up the windshield wipers, taking note of the pouring rain which seemed to characterize so well this part of the United States.  Just ahead was the giant sign which signaled to all who cared, “Welcome to Forks, Washington”.  Integra extinguished her cigar in the car’s ash tray and turned to Seras, “Now Seras, when we go in, just behave as I coached you to act.  If you do that and do not contradict me, then this will all turn out perfectly”.
“Why did you choose me to come along”?  This question really seemed to catch Integra’s attention.
“Whatever do you mean Officer Victoria”?
“I mean sir, that why didn’t you bring along Alucard on this mission.  Surely he would be a far more effective mind reader”?
“Officer Victoria, I brought you because bringing Alucard would be like using a sledge hammer to crack a walnut and besides”, her tone softened, “If you are to develop as a vampire then you need to be able to handle yourself without your Master’s aid”.  As the car slowed she informed Seras, “We’re approaching the house, be ready”.  


Seras and Integra approached the home of person they intended to interrogate, the rain finally ending as they arrived.  Integra was dressed in her usual masculine suit and Seras in conservative business wear complete with a skirt.  For Seras, it was a welcome change from the miniskirts she was forced to wear as part of her uniform.  Integra carried a briefcase containing the evidence and hidden underneath her jacket was a nine millimeter handgun loaded with blessed silver ammunition.  Forged from silver stolen by the Sopranos of course.  And with a knock on the door, the games began.

“Officer Victoria, take note of that vehicle”, Integra pointed to the expensive looking jeep in front of the house, “I think that the little slut may have spent some of the money already”. A moment later, a middle aged man opened the door.
Chief Charlie Swan blinked when he opened the door.  In front of him were two bizarre women who he did not recognize.  Both of the two women were blond.  The first was short and chesty with the shorter hair of the two and a somewhat naive expression on her face.  The second was tall and masculine with waist length hair.  Her facial expression clearly read , “Don’t piss me off”.   Looking at the two strange women, Charlie asked them, “Can I help you two”?
Seras attempted to answer before she was cut off by Integra, “Chief Swan, my name is Lucy Murray and this is my partner Mina Westenra.  We’d like to speak to your daughter Isabella about some business which took place in Volterra”.  To prove her point, Integra and Seras flashed a couple of fake police badges.  Charlie was confused, his daughter had never visited France and the only place she’d travelled to recently was Los Angeles to talk to that damn boyfriend of hers.  However, in Charlie’s mind the seeds of doubt had been sown.  
“Bella”! Charlie yelled for his daughter.  There she came down the stairs, pale, mildly pretty and not showing her chronic clumsiness for once.  
“Hey Charlie”, she greeted, “What’s going on”?
Both Seras and Integra looked at each other.  Integra gave the order to commence, “Now Police girl”.  With that Seras looked Charlie in the eyes, her own glowing an unearthly red.  Thoroughly under the control of vampire hypnosis, Charlie collapsed on the floor in enchanted sleep.  He hit the floor like a ton of bricks and began to snore loudly.  
Bella Screamed and moved to help her father but Integra shoved her onto the sofa.  “Sit down”, the tone of her voice permitted no dissention.  At this point, fear was coursing through Bella’s veins.  Her father was fast asleep and she was trapped in the house with a crazy lady and a vampire.  Bella squirmed under the gaze of the masculine woman’s icy blue eyes.  She had not faced such an intense glare since she first met her boyfriend Edward.  The difference was that this lady didn’t want to kiss her, she wanted to kill her and Bella was certain of it.
Integra looked at Bella, “Look me in the eye like a proper woman when I speak to you”.
“Y-yes”, Bella managed to choke out.  
Integra permitted herself a cold smile, “Good, now please look my companion in the eye”.  Seras gave Bella the same glowing vampire hypnosis which she had wrought on Bella’s father.  , Seras frowned when she found that she could not read Bella’s mind.  It was as though the girl’s mind was transparent to her own vampire power.  
“I can’t read her mind”.
“What”, came Integra’s blunt response.
“I just can’t, I don’t know why”.  
Integra frowned, “Well, this will not stop us”.  Once more her intense glare, almost equal to that of a vampire’s glare, turned to Bella.  “Do you know why we are here Bella”?  The girl shook her head.  Integra savored the girl’s fear and continued, “Is that your jeep out front Bella”?  
“No, it belongs to a friend”.  
“Really”, Integra drawled, not entirely convinced.  Without breathing another word, Integra opened her brief case and pulled out a piece of paper in a sealed plastic bag.  Integra smiled, sure that the girl would crack easily, “Is this your homework Bella”?  Bella didn’t respond immediately, “Is this your homework”?
“Yes”.  And she thought to herself, “Stupid Alice, making us go posing as students”.  
“Where is the money”?
“I don’t know, I don’t know what money you’re talking about”.  
Seras jumped in, “Don’t try and play coy you, we know that you stole the money in Volterra”.  
“Wait, there was never any money in Volterra, I went there to keep my boyfriend from killing himself”.  
“Bella, neither I nor the police girl swallow your lies for a moment.  Have you read the novel Dracula? Because if you have you’d know that you’re entering a world of pain.  We know that you stole the yellow Porsche and the money”.  Integra put down the homework and held open her coat to reveal her handgun, “Depending on your level of honesty, we’ll resort to whatever tactics we need”.
“Yes that’s right”, Seras clumsily interjected, “We’ll do to you that thing from Reservoir dogs.  We will cut off your ear”.  Integra just looked at Seras like she had two heads.  “I’m sorry, I’ll be quiet”.  
“Bella, this is your last chance.  Where is that bloody money”?  One more time Bella shook her head.  Integra just shrugged, “Very well, this is pointless.  It’s time to enact plan b”.
Seras was ever enthusiastic, “That’s right Bella, plan . . . wait, what’s plan b”?
Ignoring Seras, Integra packed up her briefcase and made as though to leave the house.  First though she turned to Bella, “You might want to watch out that front window”.  Integra tensed up for a moment, “Bella, this is what happens when you FUCK A HELLSING IN THE ARSE”!  
BAM!  Integra kicked the front door open and stormed towards the rental car, “If that little cunt thinks that she can play me for a fool then she’s in for a world of pain”.
“Integra, Sir Integra.  What’s going on”, Seras ran after Integra just as Integra began tore off her jacket and reached into the trunk of the car.  “What are you doing”?
At that moment, Integra found what she was looking for.  Holding her crow bar proudly she headed for the expensive jeep, “Here you go Bella, do you see what happens, do you see what happens Bella”! SMASH!  Integra took out the jeep’s rear window with a single hit.  The jeep’s car alarm was silenced when Integra fired her clip into the dashboard.  “Do you see what happens Bella; do you see what happens when you fuck a Hellsing in the arse”?  CRASH! There went the side windows.
“This is what happens Bella; this is what happens when you fuck a Hellsing in the arse”!
SHATTER! BUST! SMASH!  
“Do you see what happens Bella, DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS BELLA WHEN YOU FUCK A HELLSING IN THE ARSE”!  
In the meanwhile Bella ran for the phone, tripping and nearly killing herself in the process.  She dialed the number of the only person who could help, “Edward, come quickly, there’s a crazy lady smashing up Jasper’s car.  She has a vampire with her, yes a vampire”.
Integra had just smashed both headlights on the jeep and was now working on the hood of the vehicle, “Do you see what happens Bella, do you see what happens when you-
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING LADY”!  A large vampire had appeared out of nowhere, probably to check up on his very expensive jeep.  “STOP IT”.  Seeing the tremendous damage that this human woman had done to his vehicle, the vampire flew into a rage.  He shoved Integra to the ground and raised the crowbar over his head, ready to kill Integra.  In a blur, Seras flew at the vampire and knocked him away from Integra.  
Seras’s eyes flashed red and she growled at the vampire, “Don’t you dare harm her you freak”.  With this, Integra leapt to her feet and scanned around for her pistol.
The vampire at first growled back at Integra until Bella ran out of the house yelling, “Jasper, don’t kill her.  It’s just a car”!
Jasper screamed back at Bella, “That fucking car was a gift from my wife”.  He turned and made a bee line towards the rental car, “I’ll kill her fucking car”!
Now Seras screamed, “No you can’t do that, it’s just a rental-.  She was cut off as Jasper began to rip apart the rental car like it was made of cardboard.  “You like that” SCREECH! “Fuck you” CRUSH! “I’LL KILL YOUR FUCKING CAR, I’LL KILL YOUR. . .”  

                                                     15 Minutes later . . .

They were all driving away from Forks in a Volvo.  The Volvo in question belonged to Bella’s girlfriend Edward.  Edward drove while Bella set next to him.  In the back rode Seras and Integra.  Integra was nibbling on a cheese burger without any zeal while Seras carried what was left of the rental car in a black garbage bag.  Every couple of moments, Bella and Integra would exchange an awkward stare, or Edward would fleetingly glance at the two women who had the audacity to threaten the love of his life.  
At this point, Integra didn’t even bother trying to look intimidating.  What she had done out there was make a total ass of herself and the Police Girl.  That was something that would not be forgotten easily.  The fact that the little whore was dating a vampire that was driving them to the airport in Seattle because their idiocy had killed the car only rubbed salt into the wounds of Integra’s ego.  
As they pulled away from the godforsaken rainy town of Forks and into Seattle, Integra vowed that for as long as she lived, Alucard would never find out about this.