Jojo Death Battle Preview Extravaganza

Jojo vs Terry Crews or: Jojo’s Death Battle Adventure

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Jonathon “Jojo” Joestar looked down at the dying Father Alexander Anderson. The insane Scottish priest had attempted to kill Jojo, resulting in an epic anime battle of truly awesome proportions.

As the Priest’s body slowly crumbled from the removal of Helena’s Nail, Father Anderson spoke words of comfort to the saddened Jojo. “Hey, son, dinnae be sad. Ye’re young, mah time is done.”

“It didn’t have to be this way,” Jojo lamented to the priest.

Anderson laughed even as his doom crept up on him, “I forgive ye, an’ ye will forgive yerself. But tha real reason ah attacked ye was because ye made me sexually excited.”

Jojo internally did a double take while on the outside played it cool. “Uh, really.”

Anderson smiled and nodded, “Aye, if ah’d a come out of tha closet years ago instead of here on mah death bed, we’d be havin’ sex in tha back o’ mah car.”

Jojo smiled and tried to hide his thoughts of WTF. Coming from Shoennen-ai Victorian England, he wasn’t fully comfortable with another guy expressing sexual interest in him; but he truly didn’t want to upset a dying man.

“Farewell, Jojo . . .” Anderson’s voice trailed off as his body finally crumbled into ashes.

With that the man was gone and Jojo could fully feel his exhaustion.

Alas the first Joestar didn’t have time for anything before he heard the telltale click of a shotgun. With ripple enhanced reflexes Jojo, zoomed out of the way of the buckshot. Landing in a roll, the first Joestar drew out his sword, Pluck-and-Luck and focused on the adversary who’d attacked him.

Standing on top of the smouldering London rubble, an elderly Englishman with psychotic eyes cradled an M-1 Benelli shotgun and smiled at Jojo in ways that made his skin crawl. “Prepare for the Michael Rosen rape!” the man shouted most jolly.

Before Jojo could take out Michael Rosen, the sound of a minigun whirring to life stopped him. A hail of bullets struck the spot where he’d been a moment ago; ripple powers taking Jojo to a higher vantage point away from the gunfire. Atop the roof of the ruined building, Jojo saw a bearded man in a blue shirt holding an impossibly large gun.

“Get your credit card ready!” shouted the man in blue, “And hold your dick steady because here comes BILLY MAYS!!”

Jojo didn’t have time to focus on Billy either, because at that very moment the building he stood on began to rumble and collapse.

Through the rising dust, not one but two robot armies marched, firing their weapons in unison at the Joestar hero. Jojo ducked, dodged and pivoted among innumerable terminators and robots, smashing the droids apart with ripple enhanced strength and opening up their hardened chassis’ with his sword.

As he fought these robotic menaces, a Finnish sniper shot the sword out of his hands. Out of nowhere, two old, angry men held Jojo’s arms behind his back while a demonic butler threw deadly butter knives at him.

Jojo pulled one arm free and parried a blow from a steroid fuelled homeless man in a batman costume. “You don’t know from screwed, you loser!”

“You don’t know from grammar, mister!” Jojo shouted back

The two old men hit the ground as Jojo broke free of their grip and evaded the flying cutlery; instead killing the two asshole grandpas and the Batman impostor.

Surrounded by evil on all sides, Jojo saw flashes of them all like soldiers in the Queen of Heart’s army; some kind of crazy street judge, a masked madman, another masked madman, an American vampire, a tall cloaked vampire and others that defied his comprehension.

Suddenly, a brick caught Jojo in the back of the head. Blood pouring down the back of his neck, Jojo fell limply.

Landing on the ground, all the wind left his lungs but he was paralyzed from doing anything about it. Unable to move or breathe Jojo could only watch helplessly as a vampire in a black leather body suit and white cotton gloves straddled him holding up a bloodied brick.

The vampire grinned, eyes burning with hate and fangs out on full display. “Ready to have some fun?” the vampire asked in a demonic voice as he raised the brick and with his free hand began to adjust his belt buckle.

Everything went black.

. . .

 . . .

. . .

Jonathon shot up in the hospital bed screaming. Eyes bulging and sweat pouring down his body, the confused Joestar looked around to find himself all alone. Good.

Slowly calming down, Jojo felt his body for any wounds. Mentally he felt his more “private” areas and nothing felt out of order down below.

Leaning back on the hospital pillows, Jojo wondered just what the fuck was going on. Had it all been a dream? Who the hell were all those people attacking him?

He preferred to think it was a dream. The fight with Anderson felt real, but after that everything just seemed to melt. Then there was the fact that he didn’t want to imagine he’d been hideously sodomized by an insane vampire who made Dio look like Ned Flanders.

Unfortunately for Jojo, his bizarre adventures weren’t over yet.

From between his thighs, under his hospital gown, the buffest black man that Jonathon had ever seen sprang up like a tree growing in high speed capture camera.

“AAAHHHH!!!!” shouted the chocolate muscle man as he stood between Jojo’s legs, accidently lifting up the Joestar’s gown. “PREPARE TO RECEIVE A CAN OF WHUP-ASS!!!!”

Jojo’s eyes were as wide as saucers and his jaw had nearly hit the floor. Awash with shock and shame at his nudity before the scary yet sexy black man, he could only stammer, “W-what did I do to you?”

Screaming louder than anybody had ever met the man in the tight red speedo answered, “I DON’T KNOW. KING HARKINIAN WANTS YOU DEAD!!!!!!”

Jojo rolled off the bed and took off running. Maybe if he reached a public street then this man would hesitate to follow due to his state of undress.

Feet padding across the cold linoleum floors Jojo opened the door to his hospital room only to be confronted by a voice actor.

“Steve Blum!” crooned the voice actor.

Fearing for his sanity Jojo quickly shut the door and opened it only to be confronted by Jack Nicholson.

“Here’s Johnny!”  he slammed the door shut.

And opened it again to see Barrack Obama.

“Wipe out China!”

And worst of all, the dreaded Weegee.

The silent sentinel of death and poor MS-Pain skills stared back at Jojo with its thousand light year stare.

For the final time, Jojo slammed the door shut. Spinning around, he avoided several martial arts kicks from Terry Crews as well as the Adam West like onomatopoeia. Twisting gracefully from the attacks, Jojo ran towards the window, well past the point of caring about his own partial nudity.

“This is insane,” Jojo panted, “I’m being trolled!”

And with one powerful push, Jojo pumped straight through the closed window. Shards of glass exploded everywhere, pigeons on the ledge took to flight and the first Joestar plunged over a hundred stories towards the ground.

As Jojo fell, Terry watched his target fall. But he’s not escape so easily. The nearly naked man scowled, “You think I’m playin?” And screaming like a lunatic, he too jumped out the window after Jojo.